This Is Me
by sheepie4
Summary: I am a Casualty watcher and this is like my diary, my way to express feelings. I don't care if you do or don't read it because it's just a way to express how I feel.
1. Chapter 1

This Is Me

Hi. This is my journey, I'm going to try and write a new update everyday telling you what I did and how I feel. There may be things in here that are upsetting and things I never wanted to tell people but I feel that writing things down might help me through my bad times. You don't have to read it and I really don't care if you review it because it's just me expressing my feelings, my ups and my downs. So here goes…

Sunday 3rd March 2013

Usual Sunday for me, getting up at dinner time after staying up far too late as always. Didn't have any dinner but had some spaghetti at three and a small sausage roll at four. I spent time in-between then and since then on my laptop, tweeting and trying to help my closest friend deal with things. I sit here, right now writing this to take my attention away from the sharp object that I am close to grabbing and marking myself again, like last night. Demi Lovato is playing full blast through my headphones so loud that I can actually hear it without them in but keep them in anyway because she expresses the way I feel and her story inspires me to try not to grab it and scratch my feeble self. Her lyrics in her song read 'would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed' and I feel like doing that right now, watching myself bleed and all my emotions that I struggle to express leave my body for them few minutes. I haven't told any of my friends, well only my online ones because I'm scared they will resent me and my parents will act differently around me. I hate my body, it's ugly and I think I'm fat despite what people say. Wonder how tonight will go…


	2. Chapter 2

Sunday 3rd March (Later On)

Feeling a lot better now; my friend's happy now and making me laugh and I am smiling. The sharp object isn't appealing but I have a very bad head ache (guessing that's because of my music which I still am playing at full blast). Dreading school because I know my friend will be going through a lot and is talking to a teacher about… things. I need to eat and am hungry but won't, I'm fat enough! Most likely will be another late night for me because I can never sleep and the head ache probably won't help with that! Going to start wearing make-up too, everyone else does and don't want to be the odd out so dug out my make-up ready for tomorrow! Anyway might update tomorrow or again tonight, depends if I have another mood change! Night guys! xxx


	3. Chapter 3

Monday 4th March

Wanted to cut throughout the day but had noting with me to use. Almost cried in… well most of my lessons but held it together. My friend's in a terrible way and is still at school talking to a teacher. I want to cut again but something's holding me back, guess it's me trying to stay strong for RM, LAS CN, JM, LA, KE and CT (used initials). Demi Lovato is again playing but not at full blast because that head ache last night kept me awake until three! Dinner time was crap, my friend ED fell out with LA and I had a bag of crisp and two bottles of orange. When I was eating I could tell a girl in my form was watching me as I stared in to space thinking about how stupid of a situation I had gotten in to, she knows I'm in a bad way now I think. I went to the library and my friend and ED came over and asked why I looked down so I made up the excuse of going through a rough patch and continued to try not to cry, she believed me and that was the end of that convo. I'm sure people are noticing how sad I am, my geography teacher kept looking at me and I just nodded along with what he was talking about (can't actually remember any of what he was saying apart from that it was about hurricanes) and in IT the computer decided to delete my work I had done that lesson so I have to redo it next lesson! Stress levels with me are so high at the moment! Sick of everything, just want it to all end!


	4. Chapter 4

Tuesday 5th March

Today has been… eventful! Started the day feeling like crap then to make things worse I go to form and find out that we are doing a careers day on Friday and none of my friends are in my group! Any way I tried to take my mind of that as I had maths first, I did the work then found out that on Monday we will be doing a test! Then it was German which I got homework in. Then came the big one, music! As always the lesson took a little while to get going, the teacher set us work on the computers but I had done it all last lesson so sat doing nothing apart from thinking, thinking if I should tell people my secrets of cutting and my friends secrets of what the man did to her. I placed my head in my hands and continued to think but thinking wasn't doing me any good because I soon started crying. I hoped no one had noticed but the girl who I was working with did and alerted JM who is keeping the secret of cutting and being raped from everyone, she came over and took me out of the class. I slumped down the wall in tears, shaking and my friend sat on the floor next to me asking what was wrong. I told her I was stressed and hoped she would ask me no more questions which she didn't. After a few minutes the teacher popped his head around the door and asked if I was okay so I nodded and told him again I was stressed, he brought me back in to the class and told everyone to turn off the computers while I sat on the desk staring out of the window as a few more tears fell. My other friend LA come over and I just grabbed her and hugged her tight then she asked what was wrong and I said stress. The bell went and I sat in the canteen in silence apart from listening to music through my headphones. MY friend ED was trying to get me, LA and JM to talk but we wouldn't, we were all in a bed mood and worried for each other. Diner ended fast and I had history which was a busy lesson but I only spoke once when one of the 'populars' surprisingly asked if I was okay to which I said yes and the lesson passed. On my way to science my other friend AA fell out with me for no reason what is apparent to me. Science was all GCSE work because we have done all of the year 9 work and I got sent out twice to do the teacher jobs which was good for me to clear my mind I suppose. The lesson ended and I went to form to get my coat but the door was locked and I couldn't be bothered to wait and my 'friend' AA had gone after falling out with me so I had no one to walk to the public service bus stop with me, the school bus was still there though so I jumped on and LA was on it so we had a little chat and both got off at the same stop (our little sisters primary school) then I walked home with my little sister and step-dad. I told him about JM harming and being raped just to warn him that the police might phone home now they are involved and may need me to tell them what JM has told me. I told my mum the same when I got home and they didn't take it bad at all luckily. But now I sit on my bed in a crappy mood hoping that Holby City will cheer me up but knowing if it doesn't I may end up looking, toughing and using that sharp tool.


	5. Chapter 5

Sunday 17th March

I'm sat on my bed talking to JM on Skype as she tries to persuade me to tell her why I'm down but is failing, waiting on the Childline website for my 1-2-1 session and listening to music! I've admitted to her that I sort of have eating problems and how one of the school bitches is picking on me at the moment but not the scratching, she can't know about that yet. I don't have the courage to tell her! I scratched on two different occasions last night and have done again today, I am getting worse!


End file.
